To Romance a Mocking Bird

For three weeks now I have noticed that strange look in you, as you regard me silently. Questioning. Challenging. Mocking....

You dare me to believe that I know you, that I have always known you. And in my naivety I start believing so, only to fall victim to one of those surprises that you repeatedly spring on me - those that leave me questioning all that I have ever believed. All these years that I have spent trying to knowing you, trying so hard to understand you - suddenly flash before my eyes. And I wonder.

I wonder whether I ever made any headway. Am I still where I started, still clawing at thin air? Like Alice in world behind the looking glass have I been running the hardest I could, just so that I could remain where I was? If my weariness were to overcome me, would you let me fall behind? Would you not reach out and pull me in, at least for a change? Or would you just keep smiling at me silently as I tumbled away into the darkness? Yes, as you can see for yourself, I really do wonder.

How could you have failed to notice the impact that you had on me since I started this journey? You have inspired me so often and in so many ways. So often you have impelled me to excel, to strive to be better than I am, to reach out. In your own non-judgemental way, you have lighted my path so very frequently, so very unobtrusively. Can you really fault me for trying to reach out to you, when you have meant so much? And what of those few times when you had forsaken me, brushed me away? You had to be blind not to see what that did to me. The walls of my world came crashing down every single time that happened. Every single such instance left me devastated. At least until you condescend to steady me again.

Dear Dharma, it has been three weeks since I was asked whether I know you - a period that has been spent in a whole lot of soul-searching. I looked deep inside me to find some answers, some clues. I called out my inner monkey to come out and shed some light, all it did was write the last few paragraphs ;) But, truth be said, I still am trying put my thoughts together.

One thing's for sure, dear friend, I ain't letting you go. Ever. You just mean too much to me.