Dark Thoughts

The Morning

Sleep was fitfull and dreamless. The thorns of the crown has dug in deep during the night. The fingers are still raw with the cuts from the thorns. I try to open my eyes, but they don't do my bidding and open only partially as I look out through streaks of congealed blood that had trickled over my closed eyes during the night. My tortured body drags itself up and I glance at my cross. I marvel an instant at the workmanship - mine. Slowly I reach down to pick it up, chain it to both my hands and place it roughly on my bruised shoulders. It is heavy and makes my body hunch as I stagger out towards the open. Towards my Golgotha.

The Journey

The bright sun assails my eyes. I want to shield them with my hands but my hands are chained. I stumble out into the streets. My cross rattles behind me, as I drag it over the cobbled stones. My progress is slow and each step takes an eternity. The heat numbs my senses. For a momemt I can't remember wherefore I go. And I forget who I was. Entirely

Is my name Jim, Jesus or Judas? I can't answer, but it doesn't matter anymore, it never did.

I fall. Heavily. The water is just out of reach of my clawing fingers. No one passes me a drink and my lips remain perched. I struggle to get up again. I search for Simon. I just see blank stares. I know no Simon shall come and the cross that I bear is mine to bear alone.

Dosh karo noi go ma, aami shokhato sholeel-e dube moree...

I mouth is dry and salty but I will my body on, for Golgotha is now in sight. My father awaits me there.

The Conclusion

Golgotha is desolate at sundown. It is moonless and even the stars have stayed home. I dig a hole for my cross and place it there, upright. I look for a familiar face, but there is no one. I mount the cross and nail myself to it, one nail at a time. Maybe he shall come now, but he doesn't. I am still alone.

A rasping whispery cry escapes my throat - "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?". No one answers. No one was there to answer. No one had come.

I know now that there shall be no Resurrection. I know I shall not wake up tomorrow. I hang my head down and I close my eyes.

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Death Wish? Here's an interesting coincidence. I was thinking of this piece last night and today morning my car met with an accident, with me inside :). Premonition? Or did I will it to happen? Does someone upstairs want me?? I don't know.