The Classification of Communists


Introduction

Of the many sub-human species that inhabit God’s Earth, one of the more curious group is a bunch that calls themselves Communists. This group lives in a state of contradictions and continuous confusion characterized by turns, about-turns, somersaults and somnambulism. Observations have thrown up the probability that they may have developed some primitive form of communication which is called sloganeering that complements their rather destructive and disruptive social tendencies that social scientists call strikes and bandhs.

Their existence on God’s Earth has been termed a paradox, because their primitive philosophy has not yet evolved enough to understand the concept of God. So why they should exist on God’s earth has long been a mystery. Experts however contend that this paradox is a key part of their desire of providing hilarity by being absurd. A vocal minority among experts think that only reason Communists exists is to be a Joke and provide mirth to the rest of mankind.

They have shown a remarkable affinity to the Red colour coupled with an aversion for the Saffron colour. It has been posited that the Red colour represents their moral bankruptcy, which is perpetually in Red. Saffron is the universal representation of The Divine, which as indicated earlier is a concept they haven’t understood yet and hence fear.

Some people have also classified Communism as a genetic disorder as well as a potentially communicable disease which primarily affects people who haven’t had a good education.

Types and Classifications

Communists have shown a decided tendency to mutate with or without pretext. Some of the commonly occurring garden variety of mutant communists:

Marxists: These mutants are much influenced by the philosophy that is depicted in the films of Grouch Marx. Their main ambition is to be more absurd than all other versions of Communists put together. They are the biggest mutant group and their guiding principle is the following – Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others. Since no one knows what principles are being referred to on the first place, no one has bothered to ask for the others. Their destructive approach to life maybe understood better in light of this unanswered question that they ask of themselves every morning in absence of a God to pray to - Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Maoists: These mutants are worshipers of cats and take their name from the call of the cats, Meow or Miao. Since they are usually not very educated they spelt the Miao as Mao and the name stuck. Worship of cats has a long history starting with the Ancient Egyptians. However, the difference in the two form of worship is that while the Egyptians built temples for their feline gods, Maoists consider Cats to be poultry and were last heard of waiting for their graceful gods to lay eggs.

Naxals: This is a particularly ill mannered mutant variety that lives in the wild. No one knows for sure where their name came from. Some theorists have put forth the theory that it stems from the fact that all of them are pains in neck, so they call themselves Naxals. This theory has however not been conclusively proven yet, as this bunch have been know to cause pain in other parts as well. They are perhaps the most primitive strain of Communists known to exists and are perhaps a result of a reverse mutation that has taken them further back.

Where to Find ‘em?

It is easy to locate communists, particularly in Indian subcontinent. In any politically charged discussion if you hear incoherence being spoken in a pseudo-intellectual fashion that is against development, efficiency and fish export, quietly stalk in the direction of the sound and presently you shall encounter one specimen of this rather unfortunate species. Of course, if you value your sanity you shall tip-toe away in the opposite direction.

Lately it has been noticed that communists share a queer relation with an unrelated branch of sub-humans called the Kingress or Congless. (who draw their inspiration from the legends of the Borg, and hope that one day they will all be mindless drones under the command of a Borg-Queen). Though both these two species hate each other and shall never miss an opportunity to snipe and snip at each other, their common fear of the Saffron sometimes makes them graze together. A similar behavior is also seen in Wildebeests and Zebras in Serengeti in African plains, particularly when Lions are around. However the wildlife in Africa such as Zebra, Giraffe and Wildebeests are at a much different stage of evolution, so the comparison may be termed unjust.

What to do if you contract Communism or are born with this Malady

First the good news: Communism is fully curable. Second, the even better news: The side of the cure is that an ex-communist, with practice and patience may even evolve to become a Human.

The only path of redemption is for a repentant Communist to take refuge in Lord Hanuman and adopt the ways of the Saffron. Reciting Hanuman Chalisa everyday, dedicating oneself to the cause of serving Lord Rama as a Kar Sevak, and spreading the message of Ramayana to other unfortunate Communists has been proven as the most effective means to gain respite from effects of Communism.

So, if you are a communist who seeks freedom, all you have to do is go to the nearest Hanuman Temple and seek his blessings and grace. Rest shall follow automatically.

Jai Bajrang Bali.